Open, close, open, then close again

I never would have thought that this thought process would be open ever again. I thought that I already closed this entire part of my life. Who would've known that a conversation with my flatmate would open it up all over again? And better yet, would you have accepted him to lead me to a different path of closure? I didn't.

Maybe I really did hurt his ego big time. Maybe I hurt his ego enough to not want to have anything to do with me. It's too bad if that were the case but I guess that's what I'll have to live with. Regret? Yes and no. Yes because what a waste. No because life is good right here and right now.

just keep on keepin on...

Injured again

A person can check facebook only so many times. I'm tired of refreshing facebook, twitter, gmail, yahoo mail hoping that there's something new to check out. yes yes... melodrama much. whatever.

This is the second time in a few months that I am unable to walk. Sometime in July I slipped in my toilet and was unable to walk for a week and limped for one more week. I ached to work out after that. Now, after doing a 10K run/walk, I'm yet again unable to walk.... Yes I know. My poor knees. They're just carrying too much weight. Rest and blah blah blah will blah blah.

But maybe there's really something wrong. Maybe my knees are more swollen than they appear to be. Just so happens that the swelling is covered by all the fat (OH shit moment). blech.

whatever. i'll wait for tom and if this still hurts big time, I'm getting an xray.

gack. helplessness

i hate being helpless. makes me feel like shit.

Gone

you try so hard to think things can remain the same. but people move. and you know you're gone. it's a whole new ball game. i'm gone. you're gone. gone are the old days.

you just gotta walk forward...

Day 1 - Whee!

Ok ok... i may have spoken too soon. As always...

So day 1... first of all, i have to say that even day -1 was good. I was lying around in Somerset all day and only went out late in the afternoon. Went around Tiong Bahru plaza with Ricky and Melbin, had some food (and burned my tongue) and took care of some house stuff. After that I had a drink with some SCB friends. Doing these little regular things make me feel a lot better actually.

and today I had Day 1... as always me being me, I got lost for a while trying to figure out which elevator to take (apparently you take escalator going up, then take elevator to 38th, then transfer elevator to get to 43rd. phew!). When I got to the office, my direct superior was there and introduced me to a few people. I think that was only when I realized that I really am in a Group role. The team is actually quite multi-cultural (and much older but I'm used to that). I was brought to a meeting for one of the projects and I realized that my role has already reversed. I used to be the person in country screaming at Group. Now, I am seeing what goes on behind the scenes, what efforts need to be done in order to get all these things rolled out to different countries. Overall, I think I'm up for a very interesting ride. Actually, now I'm quite excited to be where I'm at. There's a lot for me to learn, it's in the area of my interest and I think my skill set also fits. Let us see where this ride takes me....

Oh. I twisted my ankle at lunch. haha. accident prone area. Pero ok lang... I think I'm beginning to bounce back. :D

Buyer's remorse

I’m having major buyer’s remorse here. Ok fine. It’s only been a day and I feel this way already? Damn. Whatup care!

So many people have been warning me about the people here. Singabore. Singapore square. Don’t expect them to smile and say hi to you. Ugh. *rolls eyes*

I will get over this. I know that. Work hasn’t even started yet and it’s wrong for me to say things like this. But I’m dreading the adjustment period. Pagod na ako adjust ng adjust. Ano ba. I want to get back to that life when I’m good on all fronts - home, work, play. The practicalities are good here. I think home will be ok because I’m with my brutha and apparently our other flatmate is a Johnnie (Walker) boy. But the work and play???

Can I click on fast forward and get to the happy place already?

New Beginnings

new beginnings are supposed to be great but it's hard to say goodbye to the great life you'd be leaving behind.

Age and Turning Points

I'm going to use this later to blog... For now, I'm just glad that I had a good night's sleep and that I'm off to work at the hour of 8. 

care_uy (5/7/2009 9:28:43 PM): i'm resisting the urge to reply on yuor multiply so i shall reply here while you are hiding offline. Your post makes me feel old. but at the same time I can't help but smile. I used to feel that way but I've come to realize that there's really so much more to come and the freedom that the so called real world brings is exciting. Besides... there are so many old (as in 37 years old) people who are really quite young and you only really get to see that when you start talking to them as equals, even competition, in the office. 

critteti_blahblah (5/7/2009 9:38:37 PM): hahaha, why not reply in multiply  but yeah, haha. old is relative. its just scary how things are always moving and changing so fast. and college is a defining point in one's life. so knowing im nearing the end of it gets me thinking  its like middle ground between being a child, and having to grow up and face reality. hahaha. parang nagblog ako sa message mo  thanks for the insight ket 

...

what am I supposed to do when all this is over?

be still

stop.

even just for a few moments.

keep still.

and allow yourself to breathe.

hush.

listen for a moment, to the silence, to yourself.

rest.

it's ok to take a break. 

------

i should take a break. Even if it's just one night, I should take a break. Even if this will end soon, I should take a break. 

tralalalala

excited for AIESEC in 2009.

Getting ready to say goodbye.

putting in finishing touches to transition plan.

figuring out what to next. 

finances need to be fixed.

***No surprise that my top two strengths are strategic and futuristic.

tralalalalalalala

i want to buy a new hard drive.

sobrang sabog ng audio ni JJ (Just Junior *tada handpose*)

***hmm... wala lang just had to pause.

w_ _w!!!!

February Madness

wah! 

I'm coming to realize that I have waaaaaaaaay too many things on my plate right now.

It's not so bad really. I just need to finally get things organized rather than the haphazard, whirlwind approach I have to most things. To be fair to myself, I'm not really that disorganized. I just a) don't say no to anything (READ: kaladkarin) and b) I don't really write everything down in one organized list. 

Ok... so what are the things that I need to get done:

1.) Move out of my place and move in to the new one (should be done by Sunday)

2.) Fix my Italian visa requirements (should be done by Monday)

3.) Get this book project going... and making sure that things are running even if i am away. 

4.) IPM preparations 

            - GN Plans

            - CY Plans

            - Chuchu stuff (i.e. cultural eck eck, T-shirt printing, etc)

5.) March plans

            - NEB

            - Enderun acquaintance party

            - AIESEC Phes BOA meeting

            - Transition planning

            - H4TF seminar?

            - Alumni newsletter

            - and a bunch of other AIESEC plans

6.) SCB Chuchu

            - iBanking BSP

            - iBanking in general

            - eChannels roll out

            - Turn over to Andrew

7.) Packing for Italy

Wah!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How do I do finish all this in 4 days? 

hwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhirlwind. ack.

TRYing to beat another lazy sunday

It's another sunday afternoon... If things are going the way they should've been, I should be in the mall right now looking for a dress for Pete's wedding. And then I get to go home at around 5 so that I could finally update the compendium, finish the MC application booklet, send out X number of emails, update the YG (new term i learned in ADMU's MSI - YG = YahooGroups). But of course... sunday afternoons never really go the way I plan them. I just got up. Instead of taking a bath and going straight to the mall, I decided to relax in bed and chat/blog/do random things with my computer. Sunday afternoons never really go the way I want them to go because I'm always too tired to really do anything on Sundays. 

Once again, I had a very very full week at work. Monday was another 9-12 and Tuesday was even worse given that I went home at 2. Peter took a leave on Wednesday and was out almost the whole day Thursday. Friday was another craaazy day with a meeting that started at 10 ending at 1:30, then barely eating lunch  so that we could already finish all the requirements. I do like the work that I have. Project Management or Tech roll-outs just might be the kind of thing I would like to be doing in the future. But it's the boss factor and the impossibility of some of the demands that pisses me off. What's even worse is that even if you already meet his impossible demands, he says stupid things like, "Why are you delaying?" (even if he knows we work until late into the night) or "Don't stress too much." (before he gives us tasks to do over the weekend). anyway... i really don't want to rant about StanChart any further. 

Like I said, i'm full throughout the week and then on Saturdays I devote my time to AIESEC. it's ok because as Tabbee and I agreed, a weekend given freely to AIESEC is different from a weekend taken away by the job. And even if my days are already full, i can't help but go out and have fun. 

So now.. here I am. Barely rested, voice gone, and fretting about the fact that I have no dress. I feel a bit guilty for delaying so much all of the things that I should be doing. But at the same time, I'm really not a robot. I need to have fun. I need a drink every weekend. and yes... I am also an energizer bunny who will stop for a while to breath but will keep going and going and going and going... and now i have to go and find that dress. 

collegiate

5 AM and i am up making a paper. this time it's for AIESEC.

how collegiate. :D

I dread the coming week.

mid-year...

It's another one of those weekends. Saturday was spent lying in bed. Saturday night was spent getting drunk. And then Sunday again, which should've been spent productively because I really need to do a lot of AIESEC and SCB work, was also spent lying in bed. 

I finally decided to move away from the bed and put my laptop on a desk. Still procrastinating but at least what I'm doing now involves some thinking and actual typing. 

I've been looking at the random thoughts I wrote in the past (nope, not in this blog) and I saw that there was actually a common theme: Tiredness. It's very important to note of course that this set of random thought was really about stresses and things that I want to scream out, my frustrated thoughts. What I found interesting was that though I have had to acknowledge that I'm tired at different points of the year, I rarely said that I'm so tired that I want to give my AIESEC year up. So it got me thinking about what's been happening since my term started...

First of all, i have to point out that the general madness in my life began in January 2008 when I got into the Alabang Branch Project. That project was extra stressful and caused me to go home from work at midnight on a regular basis. I think that project was extra stressful because I really had no clear idea of what I was doing. I knew what needed to be done but I just had no clear idea of how to get it done. But at that time, the AIESEC stress really wasn't as much yet because I was focused on my departments, OGX and Finance. We had a set timeline and it was really just a matter of execution which we were quite able to do. The emotional/psychological madness of figuring out if I wanted to run as MCP was just beginning at that time though. 

Then I went to IPM in Macedonia which was a 10-day cha-cha/roller coaster of figuring if I wanted to be MCP or not. Some days I would get up and say this looks like what I would want to do. There were other days when I would slap my head and say what the hell am i doing here. And finally, I decided to become MCP sometime in late March or early April beacuse I was just so tired of thinking about it. I remember quite vividly the time that I made the decision. I was walking home, coming from Taft. That night I could not focus on anything because all thoughts were revolving around that great decision. And then my brain got so messed up that I decided to give up thinking. I decided on doing SCB and AIESEC right then and there. 

Since DevCon 2008 in Davao, things have actually been pretty much like a whirlwind. DevCon was my oh shit oh shit I'm MCP period. And after awhile it finally got to me. I had a team. We started pushing for exchange. As I went along, I kept on trying to remember the things that we did when I was still in Tabbee's time. Most people know that I'm not very organized, I do a lot of things on the fly, and I tend to bullshit my way out of things. So figuring things out at the start was quite difficult. 

I don't really know why (maybe because I associate being in this spot with being more people people) but I've become more.. uhm... outgoing (?) this year. For one, I actually go to the parties. For another, I try to go to all the events. And finally, weekday or weeknight, chances are I'm out with some people. 

*Commercial break lang for my brain. I really think I have Attention Deficiency Disorder. crap. what was my point?*

Ayun! Going back to tiredness... AIESEC has been playing quite an active role in my life lately and more so in the past few weeks. I had 4 days of NPM, 1 day faci pre-stay, and 4 days of NLDS to be capped off with a 6pm-12mn shift in the office. The two conferences were really about re-enerigizing, assessing the past, and figuring out what to do next. Having gone through those crazy 9 days, I have to say that despite all the stress I went though before I made my decision to become MCP, it is a decision that I do not regret. Yes, I really am tired. The fatigue I'm feeling now is affecting my system differently and I think would soon be affecting my productivity. But I do feel that burning desire to move move move and to make things happen. 

(Pete, if you read this, no offense to you at all to ah) I think the one thing that I'm tired about though is my work in SCB. I've been working on a very frustrating project the past three months and I am so aching to walk away from it already. We've already done so much but a lot of our effort was actually wasted. I like the project in itself but I'm already overly frustrated by it. BUt well... the good thing is that I like SOME of the people I work with (Hehe. Pete, bawi). 

Hay... my attention span only goes for so long.